Answers to meaning in life?
November 3rd 2006 23:58
Something rather important happened this morning. Something important
enough to warrant me sitting, okay actually lying, in bed for an hour and a
half thinking about it. Something I try to avoid at all costs, thinking, that is ....
ha, no, not really, but it is rare that I can actually focus on one subject for
that long a time. Usually my thoughts are all over the place. And this
particular subject I have been avoiding for a long time. So I had some
thunking to do ha.
I had an appointment with Social Security this morning. They said to "bring a
representative payee," which I was hoping meant they actually wanted to, wel,
pay me. Or not , me but a representative of me, ha. Anyway. This did prove to
be the case, and five months of waiting came to end today. Back in June when
we first applied, I couldn't fathom waiting five months to see whether or not
they would approve or deny me, especially since everything I had heard
indicated that they almost never approved the first time, or that it could even
take a year or longer to get an answer. I am not the most patient person in
the world, to put it mildly.
But the time did pass, and I found myself sitting this morning in the Social Security office being told that I had been accepted. Basically, I am getting a large amount of back pay and a pretty good sum per month. It took a while to digest all the information, I had to ask my stepmom a lot of questions about it afterwards.
Most people are not accepted on the first time, so I am very lucky there. To have it only take five months is relatively short comparatively speaking.
I went home and thought about what I would do for a long while. I've been scared of moving out for a long time and been reluctant to do so. (For the first few months I was here I was dying to move out but there was no money to; then when my mom finally offered to help pay I had gotten so used to being here that I couldn't imagine being anywhere else).
I thought about the situation, though, and I realized that with this money I would have enough to live pretty comfortably in a room in Portland. And I realized, well, if my goals are to meet more people, have more human connection and have something that gives me meaning in my life, well, then, what the hell am I doing here? It won't be easy, it won't be a sure thing, and it may be work, but in Portland I have opportunities to accomplish all those goals - it is something feasible - here it is not. Here I am quite obviously wasting away.
So I will do it. I said before that I couldnt move to portland without a reason, a plan, a motivation. but i have to take it on faith that i will be able to find something to do once i get there. it opens up so many doors and opportunities to me that it would be crazy not to . there are so many places to volunteer. if i am creative i will hopefully find somewhere to meet people who could become friends. If nothing else it just gives me a degree of freedom I haven't had in six months. A degree of freedom that I very much want.
In a way, I almost feel like someone is paying me for being myself. In a way, I almost feel like someone is paying me for being myself. My unique blend of strengths and weaknesses is deemed important enough to have around that someone is going to pay me so that I can survive, but more than survive, so I can give back to the world. And that is exactly what I intend to do , to give back to the world. I am being enabled to have a life of my own, I am being enabled to reach my potential, or at least some of it hopefully, and in doing so I am being enabled to give the world something of myself. To use what I have to help people in some way. (This is a better way to think of it than being paid because you are disabled, don't you think?)
I finally had got msyelf psyched up about this, after a couple hours or so in my room making great effort to imagine a way I could make this work, and then my dad came in to talk to me and he wasn't very positive about the whole thing and kept talking about potential difficulties and that kind of was a bit of a downer. I mean come on this is a good thing and should be treated like such. I felt much better before I talked to him. Granted, he is feeling really quite crappy now due to various medical problems, and also granted, he probably felt like those were things that needed to be discussed, but, it still brought me down. Good news has a very short shelf life - it's only exciting for a small amount of time after it happens, maybe that day and the next day if you're lucky - so why spoil it before its time?
So I guess this is something I should be glad about. Gotta start going on Craigslist to look for rooms. Gotta start calling people. Gotta move on. It's still scary, though. I still worry about what will happen in the future, but at least I've got a pretty viable plan, at least I've got options now, I just have to remember that.
If I do it in December, move that is, that would be kind of nice, cold weather excepted, because it seems most of the really good things that have happened to me in my life have happened in December. Cases in point : AVEN, December 23, 2002; ASinfo, December sometime two years ago; and Justin, December 9, last year. So December is almost like a good luck month of sorts.
Speaking of Justin I would love it if he would call again. I miss him. I missed his call on Wednesday. Sigh.
Another thing that makes sense to me is that this seems to be the start of the third phase of my post-Goucher life. Getting this money, I mean. The first phase was the humidity; that was the central focus of nearly four months of my life when I came home - suffocating humidity that made it hard for me to breathe and made me absolutely miserable. I was soo happy when the end of August came and the humidity left. I could go outside again; I could be inside without problem (we have no air conditioning). The second phase was waiting for disability to come through - just doing nothing and hating doing nothing, often despairing about doing nothing, hating the pointlessness of my life; begging people to take me places and to do things as simple as go grocery shopping. Not fun. better than the first phase thoughg. At any rate it seems like getting SS will start the third phase, the post Goucher, post Social Security phase. The Kate starts her own life phase. The trying something new phase.
Anyway. Need to go. Disclaimer: I know people have different feelings about disability. And I probably haven't explained the exact details of my disability because I do not feel like doing so. But rest assured I have no intention of being on disability for the rest of my life if I can help it. I need this to get started, to figure out how to live, and hopefully will be able to find a way to live completely on my own later on. If you have negative feelings about people who go on disability please keep them to yourself. Some people genuinely need it, and nobody WANTS to be on it, psychologically, it would be MUCH, MUCH better to be working and making your own living. Believe me, I've done nothing for six months and I don't like it so much. I don't see any point in it . I'm not a couch potato. I would much rather be active and doing something purposeful.
Kate
enough to warrant me sitting, okay actually lying, in bed for an hour and a
half thinking about it. Something I try to avoid at all costs, thinking, that is ....
ha, no, not really, but it is rare that I can actually focus on one subject for
that long a time. Usually my thoughts are all over the place. And this
particular subject I have been avoiding for a long time. So I had some
thunking to do ha.
I had an appointment with Social Security this morning. They said to "bring a
representative payee," which I was hoping meant they actually wanted to, wel,
be the case, and five months of waiting came to end today. Back in June when
we first applied, I couldn't fathom waiting five months to see whether or not
they would approve or deny me, especially since everything I had heard
indicated that they almost never approved the first time, or that it could even
take a year or longer to get an answer. I am not the most patient person in
the world, to put it mildly.
But the time did pass, and I found myself sitting this morning in the Social Security office being told that I had been accepted. Basically, I am getting a large amount of back pay and a pretty good sum per month. It took a while to digest all the information, I had to ask my stepmom a lot of questions about it afterwards.
Most people are not accepted on the first time, so I am very lucky there. To have it only take five months is relatively short comparatively speaking.
I went home and thought about what I would do for a long while. I've been scared of moving out for a long time and been reluctant to do so. (For the first few months I was here I was dying to move out but there was no money to; then when my mom finally offered to help pay I had gotten so used to being here that I couldn't imagine being anywhere else).
I thought about the situation, though, and I realized that with this money I would have enough to live pretty comfortably in a room in Portland. And I realized, well, if my goals are to meet more people, have more human connection and have something that gives me meaning in my life, well, then, what the hell am I doing here? It won't be easy, it won't be a sure thing, and it may be work, but in Portland I have opportunities to accomplish all those goals - it is something feasible - here it is not. Here I am quite obviously wasting away.
So I will do it. I said before that I couldnt move to portland without a reason, a plan, a motivation. but i have to take it on faith that i will be able to find something to do once i get there. it opens up so many doors and opportunities to me that it would be crazy not to . there are so many places to volunteer. if i am creative i will hopefully find somewhere to meet people who could become friends. If nothing else it just gives me a degree of freedom I haven't had in six months. A degree of freedom that I very much want.
In a way, I almost feel like someone is paying me for being myself. In a way, I almost feel like someone is paying me for being myself. My unique blend of strengths and weaknesses is deemed important enough to have around that someone is going to pay me so that I can survive, but more than survive, so I can give back to the world. And that is exactly what I intend to do , to give back to the world. I am being enabled to have a life of my own, I am being enabled to reach my potential, or at least some of it hopefully, and in doing so I am being enabled to give the world something of myself. To use what I have to help people in some way. (This is a better way to think of it than being paid because you are disabled, don't you think?)
I finally had got msyelf psyched up about this, after a couple hours or so in my room making great effort to imagine a way I could make this work, and then my dad came in to talk to me and he wasn't very positive about the whole thing and kept talking about potential difficulties and that kind of was a bit of a downer. I mean come on this is a good thing and should be treated like such. I felt much better before I talked to him. Granted, he is feeling really quite crappy now due to various medical problems, and also granted, he probably felt like those were things that needed to be discussed, but, it still brought me down. Good news has a very short shelf life - it's only exciting for a small amount of time after it happens, maybe that day and the next day if you're lucky - so why spoil it before its time?
So I guess this is something I should be glad about. Gotta start going on Craigslist to look for rooms. Gotta start calling people. Gotta move on. It's still scary, though. I still worry about what will happen in the future, but at least I've got a pretty viable plan, at least I've got options now, I just have to remember that.
If I do it in December, move that is, that would be kind of nice, cold weather excepted, because it seems most of the really good things that have happened to me in my life have happened in December. Cases in point : AVEN, December 23, 2002; ASinfo, December sometime two years ago; and Justin, December 9, last year. So December is almost like a good luck month of sorts.
Speaking of Justin I would love it if he would call again. I miss him. I missed his call on Wednesday. Sigh.
Another thing that makes sense to me is that this seems to be the start of the third phase of my post-Goucher life. Getting this money, I mean. The first phase was the humidity; that was the central focus of nearly four months of my life when I came home - suffocating humidity that made it hard for me to breathe and made me absolutely miserable. I was soo happy when the end of August came and the humidity left. I could go outside again; I could be inside without problem (we have no air conditioning). The second phase was waiting for disability to come through - just doing nothing and hating doing nothing, often despairing about doing nothing, hating the pointlessness of my life; begging people to take me places and to do things as simple as go grocery shopping. Not fun. better than the first phase thoughg. At any rate it seems like getting SS will start the third phase, the post Goucher, post Social Security phase. The Kate starts her own life phase. The trying something new phase.
Anyway. Need to go. Disclaimer: I know people have different feelings about disability. And I probably haven't explained the exact details of my disability because I do not feel like doing so. But rest assured I have no intention of being on disability for the rest of my life if I can help it. I need this to get started, to figure out how to live, and hopefully will be able to find a way to live completely on my own later on. If you have negative feelings about people who go on disability please keep them to yourself. Some people genuinely need it, and nobody WANTS to be on it, psychologically, it would be MUCH, MUCH better to be working and making your own living. Believe me, I've done nothing for six months and I don't like it so much. I don't see any point in it . I'm not a couch potato. I would much rather be active and doing something purposeful.
Kate
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Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Make no apologies or explanation regarding disability. The programs are there for those who need it. Those who don't and get it anyways...those are the ones with some 'splainin to do!
I have a dear, dear friend who was in a life altering accident...broke so many bones in her body, they gave her less than a 20% chance of walking again.
Today, she is walking. But she will never be able to work again for various reasons. Like you, I don't need to explain them...*smile* She has been trying to get on disability for over a year. No answer, yet.
I enjoyed reading about your life...you are very warm in your writing...inviting.
Get those goals!
Voices~