Getting out of the house
October 15th 2006 04:24
Lena picked me up at 2 today so we could hang out around Lewiston. Thank God, salvation, lol. Yesterday i went to the middle school to volunteer with the special ed kids and it went awfully -
I'm almost too tired to write this even though I've been wanting to so much all night. What? How did 45 min pass? Doing what? lol . Anyway Been waiting for my dad to get off computer.
So middle school blah, nothing for me to do there, felt odd one out, excluded tho not purposely ,hated hated it. Bad memories too. too many kids there ha. Didnt feel well when I got home so sleep all evening and night from 7pm to 5am more or less gives new meaning to my discussion on "naps" earlier ha.
Anyway yes today. Lena. We stopped near here at the chocolate shop. Yum. She went to DQ, and it made her day. Then she wanted to go to Kohl's so she did that and I went to the Auburn Mall. I found a doll shop there - brought back so many good memories. A really high end doll shop. Like $100/$150 per doll. Beautifully crafted lifelike baby dolls, lifesize, felt real, lots of details on their faces and etc. Reminded me of the doll shop in New Hope PA that I had loved as a kid. Standing there looking at those dolls, I could see myself in my head walking around the New Hope doll shop as a kid, completely awed by everything I saw, taking it all in, and the magic moment when I saw "my" doll, and held her for the rest of the time we were in the shop. My grandparents used to buy me one of those dolls every year for a while when I was a kid. I remember two of them: Cynthia and Hillary. God, I can't believe I can remember the names of dolls I had as a child. The mind remembers interesting things.
I took the dolls with me everywhere. I remember having Hilary in the car with me , biting her hands nervously (ouch lol). She was like my security blanket, I hugged her when I was nervous.
Good memories.
Then we left, and went to the grocery store. I bought some fruit, yum, some sandwhich stuff and some cookies. I still have not found the perfect cookie. I like the Double Chocolate Milano cookies quite a bit, but I remain convinced there's got to be a better one. Maybe I need to go to another country to find it. Anyone want to send me samples?
We had the option of going to the bookstore after that, but I declined because the chocolate had given me lots of energy and I wanted to take a walk. Lena and I took a very pleasant and enjoyable walk together. I seldom ever walk with anyone - I can't remember the last time I did - and was surprised by how easily we fell in sync and how easy it was to make conversation while walking and still managing to keep up a brisk pace. Beautiful day, sunny and clear in 50s.
"If it's happening in York/Adams, it's on Great Country 107.7" Hehe I love slogans. Baltimore stations had better slogans than the ones here.
We had dinner (chicken) and some very enjoyable conversation. Talked about math, which kinds we liked and hated, how easy/hard it was to learn or teach, etc, and about French, and about our Aspie group and some other things. I love good conversation with people, I just do, I eat it up. It makes me feel whole and connected and satisfied inside. It doesn't have to be about earth shaking matters - just subjects interesting to me and done in such a way in which I can be fully engaged in and a part of the conversation, as I was tonight. I hate feeling left out of conversations. We made good conversation all the way home in the car, too, something that rather surprised me. I was afraid Lena and her husband would talk and leave me out to be jealous and bored as usually happens when I am in the car with my parents, but the three of us made conversation all the way back.
Among other things, we mused over what it must be like to work in a toll booth. Ouch. I don't think I would like that very much. Talk about claustrophobia.
Sleepy, but I have to get off by 1:30 anyway. Here's hoping I will go to bed instead of just fall asleep lol. I need to sleep for at least six hours to go to the meeting tomorrow.
Anyway I need to remember that I had fun today and that it is possible to have fun. It is possible to be happy. Oh, I was dancing in Lena's house, when we got there, that was fun too. I need to remember it is possible to be happy.
I need to make a move and get out of this life. My mom said she would help pay for a room in Portland but I've been unmotivated and a little scared to put much effort into looking. A month ago I would have died for the chance. Now I just kinda feel like nothing good is really possible and am trying to take the course of least resistance. But that just leads to massive depression when one realizes how little is really in one's life. So I need to freaking do it go into Portland build a life for myself.
Ah i hate this.
AS meeting tomorrow, yay, and get to go to Portland after.
I need to find some meaning in my life. How do people find meaning in their life? Every day I panic that I won't be able to. It is such a scary, terrifying feeling. I hate it.
Kate
I'm almost too tired to write this even though I've been wanting to so much all night. What? How did 45 min pass? Doing what? lol . Anyway Been waiting for my dad to get off computer.
So middle school blah, nothing for me to do there, felt odd one out, excluded tho not purposely ,hated hated it. Bad memories too. too many kids there ha. Didnt feel well when I got home so sleep all evening and night from 7pm to 5am more or less gives new meaning to my discussion on "naps" earlier ha.
Anyway yes today. Lena. We stopped near here at the chocolate shop. Yum. She went to DQ, and it made her day. Then she wanted to go to Kohl's so she did that and I went to the Auburn Mall. I found a doll shop there - brought back so many good memories. A really high end doll shop. Like $100/$150 per doll. Beautifully crafted lifelike baby dolls, lifesize, felt real, lots of details on their faces and etc. Reminded me of the doll shop in New Hope PA that I had loved as a kid. Standing there looking at those dolls, I could see myself in my head walking around the New Hope doll shop as a kid, completely awed by everything I saw, taking it all in, and the magic moment when I saw "my" doll, and held her for the rest of the time we were in the shop. My grandparents used to buy me one of those dolls every year for a while when I was a kid. I remember two of them: Cynthia and Hillary. God, I can't believe I can remember the names of dolls I had as a child. The mind remembers interesting things.
I took the dolls with me everywhere. I remember having Hilary in the car with me , biting her hands nervously (ouch lol). She was like my security blanket, I hugged her when I was nervous.
Then we left, and went to the grocery store. I bought some fruit, yum, some sandwhich stuff and some cookies. I still have not found the perfect cookie. I like the Double Chocolate Milano cookies quite a bit, but I remain convinced there's got to be a better one. Maybe I need to go to another country to find it. Anyone want to send me samples?
We had the option of going to the bookstore after that, but I declined because the chocolate had given me lots of energy and I wanted to take a walk. Lena and I took a very pleasant and enjoyable walk together. I seldom ever walk with anyone - I can't remember the last time I did - and was surprised by how easily we fell in sync and how easy it was to make conversation while walking and still managing to keep up a brisk pace. Beautiful day, sunny and clear in 50s.
"If it's happening in York/Adams, it's on Great Country 107.7" Hehe I love slogans. Baltimore stations had better slogans than the ones here.
We had dinner (chicken) and some very enjoyable conversation. Talked about math, which kinds we liked and hated, how easy/hard it was to learn or teach, etc, and about French, and about our Aspie group and some other things. I love good conversation with people, I just do, I eat it up. It makes me feel whole and connected and satisfied inside. It doesn't have to be about earth shaking matters - just subjects interesting to me and done in such a way in which I can be fully engaged in and a part of the conversation, as I was tonight. I hate feeling left out of conversations. We made good conversation all the way home in the car, too, something that rather surprised me. I was afraid Lena and her husband would talk and leave me out to be jealous and bored as usually happens when I am in the car with my parents, but the three of us made conversation all the way back.
Among other things, we mused over what it must be like to work in a toll booth. Ouch. I don't think I would like that very much. Talk about claustrophobia.
Sleepy, but I have to get off by 1:30 anyway. Here's hoping I will go to bed instead of just fall asleep lol. I need to sleep for at least six hours to go to the meeting tomorrow.
Anyway I need to remember that I had fun today and that it is possible to have fun. It is possible to be happy. Oh, I was dancing in Lena's house, when we got there, that was fun too. I need to remember it is possible to be happy.
I need to make a move and get out of this life. My mom said she would help pay for a room in Portland but I've been unmotivated and a little scared to put much effort into looking. A month ago I would have died for the chance. Now I just kinda feel like nothing good is really possible and am trying to take the course of least resistance. But that just leads to massive depression when one realizes how little is really in one's life. So I need to freaking do it go into Portland build a life for myself.
Ah i hate this.
AS meeting tomorrow, yay, and get to go to Portland after.
I need to find some meaning in my life. How do people find meaning in their life? Every day I panic that I won't be able to. It is such a scary, terrifying feeling. I hate it.
Kate
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Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
Reading your words only makes me feel guilty that I dont appreciate everything that I have more. I am able to do whatever I want and go wherever I want whenever I want to and still every day I sit and think...oh woe is me, where is the meaning? what will I do? blah blah blah! I used to be so motivated to do things and as you say slowly over time that just dwindles until you think...I can't do anything or I'm too scared to do something.
Then a couple of weeks ago I met up with an old friend that I haven't seen in years and he gave me a little motivation. He is on this whole 'can- do' mission and he sets himself small goals that he achieves simply by completely throwing himself into them.
He decides what he wants to do and then before he has time to back out of it he does it. I have tried this and although hard at first it seems to work. Start with little things - I will go for a walk at 2pm. When 2pm comes no matter what you are doing, stop it and go for a walk.
If your mum has offered to pay for a room for you, before you have time to talk yourself out of it go to her and take up her offer. Then think about what you want to do when you get there - enrol in something, join a class, find a hobby etc. Sign up for it right now over the internet - its done, you haven't had time to talk yourself out of it and you "CAN DO" it!
Go for it girl, life is too short to life it by dreams, life it by experiences!
Cheers,
Ash
Comment by KateG
Asperger's Island