Past week reflections
December 2nd 2006 08:57
We finally got the computer working, it hasn't been since Tuesday. I think I handled the absence of it pretty well, but then again I had a friend visiting so I didnt really have too much time to dwell on it, luckily. I was lying in bed aiting for my dad to get off it or mostly staying away from him because he had told me not to use the computer earliee that day and I didnt feel like taking any risks incurring his wrath.
So read in bed for a while, then he actually came to my room and told me I could use the computer, which was quite nice as he's never done that before. I was all excited about all the amazing things I would write since I havent gotten to really write in like a week, but as its 4am in the morning and I had a relatively busy day I now feel too tired to really write much of anything which is a shame because writing is of course one of my favorite things to do in the world!
Today was an interesting day. It started with being vaguely aware of people doing drywalling on the roof in the room downstairs. Mechanical noises don't seem to wake me up very easily for some reason so although it was fairly loud I was still mostly asleep, blessed sleep. I mean obviously if something is really loud I cant sleep thru it and get quite annoyed but this wasnt too bad. Then of course though I heard my dad yelling like a lunatic, quite predictably actually, because he was quite bothered, incensed actually, by the noise of the people working downstairs because it had woken him up. I could hear rant at Diane quite easily from my room. That woke me up - human voices even quite quiet seem to wake me up easily as I am sensitive to them - and I had trouble falling back asleep after that - this was at 9am - and I had to get up at 10 anyway.
Anyway, got up and got ready, found out my stepmom didnt want to leave at 11 as she had said and wasnt gonna leave till 2....I was really tired so I went back to bed for an hour or so .... got ready to leave by 2... actually didnt leave to 3... when I got up Dad had been up for a few hours and was still yelling.... i went to get breakfast and it was just like....I wouldnt have been in the kitchen if I could help it lets just put it that way....most was at diane of course not about things she did but about thins that annoyed him about the world.... coffeemaker was broken, meds wouldnt come, insurance was screwing him, everyone was screwing him, I think thats what he usually yells about anyway. I mean I would like to have some sympathy for him and indeed I do because I realize the world screws you often and that he in particular is not in a good place with the world now, but he gets so incensed over everything, he screams bloody murder, gets tiring. he yelled at me a little, enough to get me good and mad anyway, and I was glad to leave at 3.
Diane was going to Portland so I tagged along. Was raining and icky but oh well. Went to cell phone store and got old numbers on my phone restored; went to League to use computer and say hi to Justin; decided to go to mall cus nothing better to do due to weather. Didnt have much time in mall but something to do anyway. Went back to Portland, went to bookstore, got book, went to Starbucks, got chai, Diane called, went home.
I had a friend visit me from Australia this week, from online I mean.
I knew her from a message board I've been on for a while. I didn't know her very well, but she was making a tour of the US and Canada so I invited her to come here to Maine wanting to meet her. I didn't know if I would like her or not. Unfortunately, as it was I did find her rather cold and reserved to me and we didn't really click as they say - different personalities I guess - although she did get along well with my dad and my friend Emily which annoyed me to no end, but oh well, at least she was only here for two days. She was well meaning, and extremely polite, never overtly rude or anything, but I just couldn't make conversation with her or nor could she with me, I talked and she nodded but rarely initiated any conversation, and its not just cus she's introverted because she was much more animated with my friend and my dad, but oh well.
People on AVEN I've met in person: Maine: 3 , CT 7, Boston 2, Philly 2, NC 1 i think, dc 1, northern NJ, 1, I might be missing something I used to be able to keep better count. 17 or 18 anyway is pretty damn good.
I find I have much more in common with people from AS boards than AVEN though and I no longer think I should meet someone just because they're from AVEN.
Anyway me getting sleepy. So. What else. tomorrow is AS meeting first one in 2 months its a holiday party which will be cool. will get to see Bette who I havent seen in ages. I hope John is there that would make me happy. I hope more people than the 4 of us who usually come are there. God, a Yankee Swap would be really boring with only 5 or 6 people lol. Lena will pick me up and S and H will bring me back and we will do something together and they will stay over and we might make a gingerbread house or something which will be fun.
Kathy has finally contacted me again so she is in my life again after a long absence and will hopefully be able to give me rides again.
I am still looking at rooms and have to remember to call this guy whose room I kinda liked. It is kind of frustrating because I so much want something to happen and change with my life and I so often dread the future to admit it plainly and I want to move out but it is hard to arrange to look at houses w/ transportation problem, plus dad and i well its kind of tense when we do this he tries but gets annoyed so easily; and it is even harder to find a living situation that will be comfortable, i just want, well, i want something with enough space that i dont feel claustrophobic, i want something bright and airy, I want a decent sized room not huge but decent sized; thats all I really want just a space I can feel comfortable in but most I havent for various reasons. And of course its important to live with someone I can at least tolerate and most important that they be quiet lol or at least as much so as possible , no parties loud music or tons of people over,which of course eliminates living with just about everyone my age. I dont have to love the person or even really like them although that would be of course a plus; I just have to not hate them. Oh and going along with the quiet thing has to be in quiet neighborhood unfortunately because I am so adverse to noise and have never lived in a busy neighborhood in my life Iam realizing. I found one place that was perfect, argh, great space, I loved the person living there, perfect location w/ bus stop and etc, but it was right on a really busy road and the traffic noise would have driven me crazy, I need my living space to feel safe.
Looking for something no more than 600 or 650 w/ utilities, which should be reasonable for having roommate(s) and all.... preferrably 500...I have seen quite a few in that price range of course so the price is not really the problem, its just the space being comfortable. All my dad really cares about is location, I dont really care about location, I figure just about anywhere in Portland is gonna be near a bus stop and I can take a bus anywhere I need, the living space is more important to me.
Dad is frustrated of course with the slow pace of the search and so am I really but we have different ideas about how to go about it I dont want to push myself too much and do more than I can handle am scared of being overloaded/overwhelmed of course , and I meter and measure the amount of work I do, looking for places, emailing people etc, and it is also work asking dad to take me there and dealing with him while we do so, i love him and appreciate all he has and is doing for me, but, it's just, the man has some anger problems. so.
I was so mad at him when we left the house today, he wanted to maybe meet me for dinner in p-land later and kept pressing me about wearing better clothes, until i finally gave in and found some acceptable clothes to throw in his car in case he decided to come, but the truth is, at the point going to dinner with him was the last thing in the world I wanted anyway because I just didnt want to deal with him.
But he was in a much better mood when he came to my room to say goodnight and tell me I could use the comp; thats the thing with him he alternates being something of a tyrant at least verbally with being very cuddly and loving. i mean his tyrades dont ;last that long usually, ocassionally a couple hours, usually shorter... but its just the whole never knowing what will set him off thing ya know.
so Yeah i am worried worried about the future as usual but I try not to be I try very hard. Try to focus on the good things. It is nice having money now that I have gotten disability and being able to buy small things without having to worry about if I have the money to (although I fear I might find that I have gone overboard when I get my first real credit card bill; very few of my purchases are over $5 but I suppose the frequency of them makes up for that).... whatever we'll see tho.
I was able to get dad and diane some nice presents for their birthday on Monday and I enjoyed that....those were my biggest purchases by far...I wanted to do something nice for them though now that I could.... spent $40 on these herbal heatable slippers for my dad, would never contemplate spending even half that much before on basically anything, but I could now, so I did. And got herbal freezable eye mask thingy for diane and one for me.
christmas music is everywhere and is quite annoying, esp not to have an oldies station.....grrr. It hasnt gotten too bad yet tho just mildly annoying....cept for the oldies stn...nothing to listen to in the car since d and d dont like country GRRRRR. put on wabk today and god that station is like all 70s almost as bad as xmas lol.
Perhaps more annoying of course is all the stores playing xmas music because those you can't easily escape; the bookstore I was in tonight had it on pretty loudly.
Mom said she was annoyed by it as well, something she has never I believe admitted before. Didnt realize she listened to the radio that much, maybe in the car. Thinking about going to visit her again. dad wouldnt like it but he doesnt get to decide. my mom and i dont get along that well except for short weekly phone calls (and even those dont always go well but ocassonially do) but I still feel allegiance to her and feel quilty when she asks if I plan on visiting so maybe I will for just a week or something. A change of scenery I guess, and I could see Andrew and meet Kassiane in Missoula. More important than anything else I could probably arrange to have a connection in Denver and stay with Justin for a few days and that would be the definite high point of everything and quite a compelling reason to do it actually. I do say it is a shame that the first person in my life I have ever felt completely comfortable with (okay, second, Anna was the first, and she is a good friend of course, but Justin and I connect on more levels than Anna and I do even though she is a good friend) ... but anyway the first person for the most part who I ever.... genuinely genuinely actually miss , whose absence I feel so acutely, whose presence I enjoy so much... has to be afflicted with medical ailments that render him unable to experience most of life, unable to be awake for more than a few hours a day, and, secondarily, of course, unable to call me more than like once a week because of this ...... I miss him when we don't talk. I love his dry, subtle sense of humor; it is the exact same one I have, and we can be silly together; love his ability to even be funny and make jokes when life has thrown to be trite so many lemons at him, as it has at me; his ability to see and take pleasure in and enjoy discussing the tiniest details of everyday life; and especially, probably more than anything, the way he makes me feel more special than anyone ever has in my life.
And of course the multitiudes we have in common, sensory stuff, how we experience so often in the same way. I love his voice, his enthusiasm... how we can talk for one, two hours even though both of us basically hates the phone, hates talking to most people for very long and esp despite the fact that neither one of us really has a life or very much to talk about yet we find so much.
He makes me happy when he calls; I feel at ease; time flies and feel as if something worthwhile has happened in my day, something to live for, even, and I feel that way about very few things.
It is scary in a way feeling that way about someone because people are by nature fickle and changeable and it could be taken away so easily....it leaves me vulnerable to being hurt if I were to lose it.....although I dont have any expecations of that happening in the near future - I dont think I will ever lose Justin, for the foreseeable future anyway, I just mean the occasional long stretches where we dont talk due to his illness are difficult and have the potential of getting worse (or maybe to be optimistic better? god i wish medical science had an answer to his illness, its not fair that he has to suffer such, he takes it so well too). We used to talk every night and send long emails to each other (well the emails were mostly before we started talking every night) but due to his illness our contact is down to a phone call every week now and he is having trouble using the computer much - I am so glad I saved almost all of the emails he sent me in the beginning - i love remembering them and treasure every word.
So going to visit him seems like a logical idea seeing as that is the thing that is going most right in my life right now. Area he lives in scares me a bit, not the safest area but he hasnt gotten hurt or robbed or anything yet so figure its safe enough lol and worth the risk and such. I loved when he was here visiting because well its just when i was with him he made me feel so wanted and special and I treasured that, I want that feeling again! and of course when he was here i was whacked out on that medicine to put it one way and I would probably enjoy him even more in my normal state.
Okay I think its time to go to bed now ha. I told someone on IM Id be back in a min at 4:05 and now it's just about 5 - my god how the hell did that hour pass so quickly? lol thats what I love about writing ,it is so transcendent, it is one of the few things in my life i can really get into and make the time pass, reading and talking to justin too everything else i seem all too aware of lol.
thats whats going on in my world anyway. goodnight.
ps Im reading way too many james patterson books - murder mysteries - im practically dreaming about them - ha. too many grisly murders they are an interesting and engaging read tho.
One more note it is possible that I had problems with my AVEN friend visiting this week because I compared her in my mind to Justin who is the last person and only other person who has stayed over in my house (other than Anna in HS) ... hard act to follow. Plus, if I had met for a two hour dinner in a resteraunt like I meet most of my online friends for the first time, I probably wouldnt have found her nearly as disageeable, I usually dont invite people to my house who i dont know but i think the experience with J made me optimistic.
i shouldnt post so much abou that in a public diary i guess but i want to be honest in my writing .if she should ever see this (and i dont tell anyone basically about my diary so she shouldnt) , i dont mean any harm or malice, i hope you have a great trip and lots of fun, we just didnt have matching personalities is all.
Ok. night night.
Kate
So read in bed for a while, then he actually came to my room and told me I could use the computer, which was quite nice as he's never done that before. I was all excited about all the amazing things I would write since I havent gotten to really write in like a week, but as its 4am in the morning and I had a relatively busy day I now feel too tired to really write much of anything which is a shame because writing is of course one of my favorite things to do in the world!
Today was an interesting day. It started with being vaguely aware of people doing drywalling on the roof in the room downstairs. Mechanical noises don't seem to wake me up very easily for some reason so although it was fairly loud I was still mostly asleep, blessed sleep. I mean obviously if something is really loud I cant sleep thru it and get quite annoyed but this wasnt too bad. Then of course though I heard my dad yelling like a lunatic, quite predictably actually, because he was quite bothered, incensed actually, by the noise of the people working downstairs because it had woken him up. I could hear rant at Diane quite easily from my room. That woke me up - human voices even quite quiet seem to wake me up easily as I am sensitive to them - and I had trouble falling back asleep after that - this was at 9am - and I had to get up at 10 anyway.
Anyway, got up and got ready, found out my stepmom didnt want to leave at 11 as she had said and wasnt gonna leave till 2....I was really tired so I went back to bed for an hour or so .... got ready to leave by 2... actually didnt leave to 3... when I got up Dad had been up for a few hours and was still yelling.... i went to get breakfast and it was just like....I wouldnt have been in the kitchen if I could help it lets just put it that way....most was at diane of course not about things she did but about thins that annoyed him about the world.... coffeemaker was broken, meds wouldnt come, insurance was screwing him, everyone was screwing him, I think thats what he usually yells about anyway. I mean I would like to have some sympathy for him and indeed I do because I realize the world screws you often and that he in particular is not in a good place with the world now, but he gets so incensed over everything, he screams bloody murder, gets tiring. he yelled at me a little, enough to get me good and mad anyway, and I was glad to leave at 3.
Diane was going to Portland so I tagged along. Was raining and icky but oh well. Went to cell phone store and got old numbers on my phone restored; went to League to use computer and say hi to Justin; decided to go to mall cus nothing better to do due to weather. Didnt have much time in mall but something to do anyway. Went back to Portland, went to bookstore, got book, went to Starbucks, got chai, Diane called, went home.
I had a friend visit me from Australia this week, from online I mean.
I knew her from a message board I've been on for a while. I didn't know her very well, but she was making a tour of the US and Canada so I invited her to come here to Maine wanting to meet her. I didn't know if I would like her or not. Unfortunately, as it was I did find her rather cold and reserved to me and we didn't really click as they say - different personalities I guess - although she did get along well with my dad and my friend Emily which annoyed me to no end, but oh well, at least she was only here for two days. She was well meaning, and extremely polite, never overtly rude or anything, but I just couldn't make conversation with her or nor could she with me, I talked and she nodded but rarely initiated any conversation, and its not just cus she's introverted because she was much more animated with my friend and my dad, but oh well.
People on AVEN I've met in person: Maine: 3 , CT 7, Boston 2, Philly 2, NC 1 i think, dc 1, northern NJ, 1, I might be missing something I used to be able to keep better count. 17 or 18 anyway is pretty damn good.
I find I have much more in common with people from AS boards than AVEN though and I no longer think I should meet someone just because they're from AVEN.
Anyway me getting sleepy. So. What else. tomorrow is AS meeting first one in 2 months its a holiday party which will be cool. will get to see Bette who I havent seen in ages. I hope John is there that would make me happy. I hope more people than the 4 of us who usually come are there. God, a Yankee Swap would be really boring with only 5 or 6 people lol. Lena will pick me up and S and H will bring me back and we will do something together and they will stay over and we might make a gingerbread house or something which will be fun.
Kathy has finally contacted me again so she is in my life again after a long absence and will hopefully be able to give me rides again.
I am still looking at rooms and have to remember to call this guy whose room I kinda liked. It is kind of frustrating because I so much want something to happen and change with my life and I so often dread the future to admit it plainly and I want to move out but it is hard to arrange to look at houses w/ transportation problem, plus dad and i well its kind of tense when we do this he tries but gets annoyed so easily; and it is even harder to find a living situation that will be comfortable, i just want, well, i want something with enough space that i dont feel claustrophobic, i want something bright and airy, I want a decent sized room not huge but decent sized; thats all I really want just a space I can feel comfortable in but most I havent for various reasons. And of course its important to live with someone I can at least tolerate and most important that they be quiet lol or at least as much so as possible , no parties loud music or tons of people over,which of course eliminates living with just about everyone my age. I dont have to love the person or even really like them although that would be of course a plus; I just have to not hate them. Oh and going along with the quiet thing has to be in quiet neighborhood unfortunately because I am so adverse to noise and have never lived in a busy neighborhood in my life Iam realizing. I found one place that was perfect, argh, great space, I loved the person living there, perfect location w/ bus stop and etc, but it was right on a really busy road and the traffic noise would have driven me crazy, I need my living space to feel safe.
Looking for something no more than 600 or 650 w/ utilities, which should be reasonable for having roommate(s) and all.... preferrably 500...I have seen quite a few in that price range of course so the price is not really the problem, its just the space being comfortable. All my dad really cares about is location, I dont really care about location, I figure just about anywhere in Portland is gonna be near a bus stop and I can take a bus anywhere I need, the living space is more important to me.
Dad is frustrated of course with the slow pace of the search and so am I really but we have different ideas about how to go about it I dont want to push myself too much and do more than I can handle am scared of being overloaded/overwhelmed of course , and I meter and measure the amount of work I do, looking for places, emailing people etc, and it is also work asking dad to take me there and dealing with him while we do so, i love him and appreciate all he has and is doing for me, but, it's just, the man has some anger problems. so.
I was so mad at him when we left the house today, he wanted to maybe meet me for dinner in p-land later and kept pressing me about wearing better clothes, until i finally gave in and found some acceptable clothes to throw in his car in case he decided to come, but the truth is, at the point going to dinner with him was the last thing in the world I wanted anyway because I just didnt want to deal with him.
But he was in a much better mood when he came to my room to say goodnight and tell me I could use the comp; thats the thing with him he alternates being something of a tyrant at least verbally with being very cuddly and loving. i mean his tyrades dont ;last that long usually, ocassionally a couple hours, usually shorter... but its just the whole never knowing what will set him off thing ya know.
so Yeah i am worried worried about the future as usual but I try not to be I try very hard. Try to focus on the good things. It is nice having money now that I have gotten disability and being able to buy small things without having to worry about if I have the money to (although I fear I might find that I have gone overboard when I get my first real credit card bill; very few of my purchases are over $5 but I suppose the frequency of them makes up for that).... whatever we'll see tho.
I was able to get dad and diane some nice presents for their birthday on Monday and I enjoyed that....those were my biggest purchases by far...I wanted to do something nice for them though now that I could.... spent $40 on these herbal heatable slippers for my dad, would never contemplate spending even half that much before on basically anything, but I could now, so I did. And got herbal freezable eye mask thingy for diane and one for me.
christmas music is everywhere and is quite annoying, esp not to have an oldies station.....grrr. It hasnt gotten too bad yet tho just mildly annoying....cept for the oldies stn...nothing to listen to in the car since d and d dont like country GRRRRR. put on wabk today and god that station is like all 70s almost as bad as xmas lol.
Perhaps more annoying of course is all the stores playing xmas music because those you can't easily escape; the bookstore I was in tonight had it on pretty loudly.
Mom said she was annoyed by it as well, something she has never I believe admitted before. Didnt realize she listened to the radio that much, maybe in the car. Thinking about going to visit her again. dad wouldnt like it but he doesnt get to decide. my mom and i dont get along that well except for short weekly phone calls (and even those dont always go well but ocassonially do) but I still feel allegiance to her and feel quilty when she asks if I plan on visiting so maybe I will for just a week or something. A change of scenery I guess, and I could see Andrew and meet Kassiane in Missoula. More important than anything else I could probably arrange to have a connection in Denver and stay with Justin for a few days and that would be the definite high point of everything and quite a compelling reason to do it actually. I do say it is a shame that the first person in my life I have ever felt completely comfortable with (okay, second, Anna was the first, and she is a good friend of course, but Justin and I connect on more levels than Anna and I do even though she is a good friend) ... but anyway the first person for the most part who I ever.... genuinely genuinely actually miss , whose absence I feel so acutely, whose presence I enjoy so much... has to be afflicted with medical ailments that render him unable to experience most of life, unable to be awake for more than a few hours a day, and, secondarily, of course, unable to call me more than like once a week because of this ...... I miss him when we don't talk. I love his dry, subtle sense of humor; it is the exact same one I have, and we can be silly together; love his ability to even be funny and make jokes when life has thrown to be trite so many lemons at him, as it has at me; his ability to see and take pleasure in and enjoy discussing the tiniest details of everyday life; and especially, probably more than anything, the way he makes me feel more special than anyone ever has in my life.
And of course the multitiudes we have in common, sensory stuff, how we experience so often in the same way. I love his voice, his enthusiasm... how we can talk for one, two hours even though both of us basically hates the phone, hates talking to most people for very long and esp despite the fact that neither one of us really has a life or very much to talk about yet we find so much.
He makes me happy when he calls; I feel at ease; time flies and feel as if something worthwhile has happened in my day, something to live for, even, and I feel that way about very few things.
It is scary in a way feeling that way about someone because people are by nature fickle and changeable and it could be taken away so easily....it leaves me vulnerable to being hurt if I were to lose it.....although I dont have any expecations of that happening in the near future - I dont think I will ever lose Justin, for the foreseeable future anyway, I just mean the occasional long stretches where we dont talk due to his illness are difficult and have the potential of getting worse (or maybe to be optimistic better? god i wish medical science had an answer to his illness, its not fair that he has to suffer such, he takes it so well too). We used to talk every night and send long emails to each other (well the emails were mostly before we started talking every night) but due to his illness our contact is down to a phone call every week now and he is having trouble using the computer much - I am so glad I saved almost all of the emails he sent me in the beginning - i love remembering them and treasure every word.
So going to visit him seems like a logical idea seeing as that is the thing that is going most right in my life right now. Area he lives in scares me a bit, not the safest area but he hasnt gotten hurt or robbed or anything yet so figure its safe enough lol and worth the risk and such. I loved when he was here visiting because well its just when i was with him he made me feel so wanted and special and I treasured that, I want that feeling again! and of course when he was here i was whacked out on that medicine to put it one way and I would probably enjoy him even more in my normal state.
Okay I think its time to go to bed now ha. I told someone on IM Id be back in a min at 4:05 and now it's just about 5 - my god how the hell did that hour pass so quickly? lol thats what I love about writing ,it is so transcendent, it is one of the few things in my life i can really get into and make the time pass, reading and talking to justin too everything else i seem all too aware of lol.
thats whats going on in my world anyway. goodnight.
ps Im reading way too many james patterson books - murder mysteries - im practically dreaming about them - ha. too many grisly murders they are an interesting and engaging read tho.
One more note it is possible that I had problems with my AVEN friend visiting this week because I compared her in my mind to Justin who is the last person and only other person who has stayed over in my house (other than Anna in HS) ... hard act to follow. Plus, if I had met for a two hour dinner in a resteraunt like I meet most of my online friends for the first time, I probably wouldnt have found her nearly as disageeable, I usually dont invite people to my house who i dont know but i think the experience with J made me optimistic.
i shouldnt post so much abou that in a public diary i guess but i want to be honest in my writing .if she should ever see this (and i dont tell anyone basically about my diary so she shouldnt) , i dont mean any harm or malice, i hope you have a great trip and lots of fun, we just didnt have matching personalities is all.
Ok. night night.
Kate
| 118 |
| Vote |
